Superbowling For Dollars!!

I'll admit it. I'm a regular guy. I watch the Superbowl every year. I am usually psyched for the game, especially if I have a rooting interest in the team-if I don't, I can usually find the right people to wager with to give me a rooting interest in the game. It's the Superbowl, come on!

I'm also usually amped up for the fantastically derived, cutting-edge commercials the top retailers of our nation cook up to be blasted across the globe during what is annually one of the most extensively watched global television events.

All in all, the spectacle usually does not disappoint, the game, however, sometimes can. No worries, though. And even though Janet Jackson's ill-fated, exposed breasts weren't all they're cracked up to be, we, for the past few years, have had a mishmash of old, washed up acts that appeal to an audience of baby-boomers and those who favor nostalgia...who cares if the drummer for the stones is over 80? Throw him up there!

Couldn't you hear The Boss' hip creaking during his creepy, middle aged pelvic thrusts? If you had Smell-O-Vision, surely, you would have smelled the Bengay. Surely.

What I was really disappointed with this year was the lackluster parade of almost sickeningly mediocre commercials. It was as if, this year, it was enough for them to merely show they had the spare cash to buy air time; writing the damn thing was an afterthought. LOOK AT US, WE'RE DORITOS! 3 MILLION FOR 30 SECONDS WHOOOO!! Apparently, they bought their commercial air time by the pound and bought a package of 8 prewritten commercials from COSTCO.

Look at us, we are literally eating money!! (Spoken in your finest Marv Albert voice) Corporate America, yes!

And GoDaddy.com...your shameless ads to drive traffic to your website work. We know that last year during the Superbowl, within 30 seconds after your ad you received 1,000,000 hits on your site. I think I can safely say that was only to see boobs. How many of those 1,000,000 IP addresses bought domain names?

I'd confidently take the under on 50.

I remember in Superbowls long passed, sitting, eyes wide open, waiting for the next hilarious commercial. I was rarely disappointed. See, back then, it wasn't enough to just show that your company was still economically viable...it wasn't enough! Then, you actually had to write something seemingly original, and then, THEN, make it somehow pertinent to your product, or at least pertinent to the audience you are trying to sell your product to. Nowadays, it is simply enough to buy the time.

Sense? We have to make sense?

No, you just have to be entertaining.

To me, game results aside (although I am truly pissed about those, as well.) this foul group of Superbowl commercials from this foul year, 2009, deserves a giant red FAIL in their collective lower right-hand corner.